Robin Hood Movie Night Review Spectacular!

Yesterday was my first day of summer vacation, and I decided to watch as many Robin Hood movies as possible. Why? I don't know, maybe there might be some cool archery action? Unfortunately, most Robin Hood movies suck, so I had to watch these four.

Robin Hood (1973)

First up is the Disney classic that I never saw, because I hate Disney movies. The cartoon that inspired a million furries to have sex with people who think they are animals, while dressed as animals. Mostly foxes, but furries have branched out their interests to include all kinds of beasts these days.

It was alright, I guess, for a cheesy ass Disney movie. The vintage 70's folk music soundtrack was weird but not unpleasant. King John (portrayed as a Lion) was quite the buffoon, loved sleeping with sacks of gold ingots and would regularly fall into a semi-conscious state while sucking his thumb and muttering "Mommy..." I was also really surprised when Little John (a bear) sucked all the gemstones vacuum-like from the sockets of the King's rings, and the King must have looked at his hands like FIVE times afterwards without noticing big ugly empty ring sockets. Also, why didn't he have a mane? Was he a cub, or a lioness with a deep voice?

The animation quality was nice, some repetition and Scooby Doo looking shortcuts were probably made, but it still blows any modern cartoon out of the water.

Maid Marion wasn't that hot. What's up with the furrie love for her?

Robin Hood (2010)

Next up is the period-piece reunion between Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe we've all been waiting just forever for. Two truly gifted stars of Hollywood once again prove that after about 10-20 years of making movies, you just can't make good ones any more.

In this re-envisioning of the classic tale, Ridley Scott wanted to come up with a story that explains how a Knighted ex-Crusader landowning aristocrat could possibly be such a badass archer. Russell Crowe plays Robin Longstride, who takes on the identity of King Richard's dead buddy Sir Robert of Loxely. Oh yeah, and the King dies too. From an arrow to the neck. They never show him die, maybe he comes back at the end having miraculously survived so he can take the crown back from his dipshit little brother (after having learned a valuable Christian lesson from Robin.)

I never made it to the end. 2 and a half fucking hours...

I don't have much else to say about this movie. It was boring, Russell Crowe sucks, and Ridley Scott can't make good movies anymore. Also, I tried really hard to find a funny picture for this film, but Google search brings up hundreds of the same "badass" promo stills of Russell Crowe trying to look like he's the most macho man on the planet. What is he hiding, I wonder?

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Next up is the Mel Brooks classic. Kate refused to watch Prince of Thieves so we watched this instead. I fell asleep about 30 minutes in, but I'll review this one based on memory.

The rapping is funny. The chick from Wings isn't funny. The Sheriff is funny. Cary Elwes is sadly, for the most part, not funny. Anything racist in this movie is funny.

Mel Brooks is the king of racism!

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Last on this comprehensive list of ALL THE IMPORTANT ROBIN HOOD MOVIES is Prince of Thieves, or as I like to call it, the Best Movie Ever Made. As I said earlier, I fell asleep before I was able to watch this one, but I think I remember it well enough to declare this the winner.

The Painted Man, He Haunts my Dreams



The Winner is....................
ROBIN HOOD PRINCE OF THIEVES